I know that I know God crossed my path with this amazing young woman. Her name is Tasha Brown. Worship oozes out of her as easily as she breathes. I suppose that happens — no, I know that happens — when God reveals the depth of His love for us through our difficult places.
In today’s Faith Notes, Tasha shares about the death of her identical twin, Tonya. I can’t fathom what that kind of loss feels like. I’m sure it must be like the actual ripping of your heart in two. It was a rough season in Tasha’s life, but her God was faithful and restored her hope of glory through a dream — a dream the moment Tonya died.
God goes out of His way to make His love known to us. Tasha and I pray that through the words of her heart, He will lead you to a place of healing there at the foot of the cross.
Welcome to Faith Notes Tasha!
I stood by her side, rummaging through scriptures. Fingers slipping due to them perspiring because inside I’m so incredibly nervous.
No, I’m scared.
Scared that these scriptures will fail me, scared that these words, “By His stripes you are healed” just may not come to pass for her — for this beautiful being that lay lifeless, and so incredibly broken in front of me. With every part of me I was praying that God would, in fact, raise her from this bed of affliction.
But she didn’t rise the way I had hoped and I was left with a pain that even still to this day, I cannot even begin to describe. The aching is still here at times, and there are days where the longing is so intense, I have no choice but to cry out.
But through it all, grace has kept me near, and held me close.
I have been through many trials within my life, but the one that affected my faith the most, was losing my identical twin sister, Tonya. I remember being so incredibly angry with God after losing her, and despite being 26 years old, inside I was still a child only desiring to have my twin sister by my side.
I remember feeling so broken, that I yelled at God and asked him why did he allow me to live?
I didn’t want to live, and I honestly could have cared less if I had died. I felt so lost, abandoned, broken and misguided by Him. By our Lord.
During the first three years after my twin sister passed away, I didn’t want to acknowledge Christ at all. I didn’t want to attend church or anything because the songs that I loved so dear, meant absolutely nothing to me anymore. They were lies, they were not truth.
I was literally in a dark place for five years, coming out only momentarily to see a glimpse of hope, and then I would recede back into my dark place. It was a tough, tough time for me, but through it all my husband Kenneth encouraged me and helped me fight through the pain. He fought alongside of me, and was the brightest light during those dark days.
And there were many of those days.
I am incredibly thankful that God saw fit to send me such a remarkable husband. He is and will always be, one of the greatest treasures in my life.
During the first five years after my twin sister passed, music became a major outlet for me — even more than before. Somehow, despite my brokenness, my spirit desired comfort from God. So, I would sing and it became a daily routine for me.
In the midst of so much hurt, new songs were being birthed in me. Songs about hope, peace, strength, and coming back into the arms of Christ. It has now been almost seven years that I lost my twin sister, and there are some days where the pain is still so agonizing. But on those difficult days — those extremely difficult days — I fall on my face and ask God to help me, to continue to heal me, and to continue to give me peace.
Vital scriptures for me have been Psalm 91, Psalm 121, John 16:33, 1 Peter 5:7 … among a few. There are so many that spoke to me then, and continue to speak to me now.
In the midst of my grief, the way God comforted me was by reminding me of a dream I had while I was at the hospital with my twin sister the day that she passed.
The doctor had called earlier that day to tell us that she wasn’t going to make it, and that we needed to hurry to the hospital. I rushed up there still proudly and boldly telling the doctors that they were not God, and could not decide her fate. I remember the doctor looking at me with tears in his eyes and saying, “I’m sorry, we’ve done all we can do” and then he walked away.
In that moment, whether shock had gripped me or plain denial, there was no way you could convince me she was going anywhere. I looked at her. Looked at my beautiful best friend laying lifeless on that hospital bed. I saw tubes coming out of her sides from her lungs collapsing multiple times throughout the night. Saw the breathing tubes, heard the life support machine roaring and saw MY twin sister so incredibly broken.
I stood in that room for a moment, and became so overwhelmingly exhausted. Words fail me even now on why I decided to take a nap after this moment. I asked the nurse for a blanket and I sat in the chair and immediately fell asleep.
When I closed my eyes, the most beautiful thing occurred: my identical twin sister, my best friend who I had not talked to in three weeks while she was on life support, was in a car with me and she was driving! I was the passenger and I immediately yelled my affections at her, telling her how much I had missed talking to her, how much I loved her deeply and how much she meant to me.
My twin sister smiled at me, and although she never spoke a word, my spirit heard her speak and she said, “I know.” I smiled back at her, being filled with a joy that I cannot comprehend and then I asked her, “Where are we going?” Again, no words were spoken from her, but she smiled at me — that beautiful smile she had — and then she looked straight ahead. I, too, looked forward.
I didn’t know where we were going, and I didn’t care.
I was with her again, and we were happy.
As I looked forward, it appeared we were driving into a place like the sun. There was these huge rays of light that were so bright, that I had to put my hands over my eyes to shield them from the rays. I squeezed my eyes tight and then there was silence.
There was stillness.
Peace that began at the top of my head and traveled down my entire body and then there was calmness.
Everything went still as if the entire world had for a moment stopped, and it was the most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced. I began to wake up from this beautiful dream, hands still covering my face as I started to stretch, and then three words broke me away from the peace of it all.
“Come on Tonya … ”
As I began to wake up, a crash cart flew into the room in front of a gang of doctors and nurses, and the monitor that tracked her breathing went flat. I was dazed, I was confused. I had just had the most powerful, beautiful dream of all time, and now a team of doctors and nurses were attempting to bring her back to life.
I was so confused. The dream was so real.
I was pushed out of the room, then a nurse pulled me inside and said, “We need you to come and say goodbye.”
But I already knew she was gone. I knew what the dream meant in that moment.
When I think upon that moment, although painful, I am comforted by knowing that my twin is with our Lord and Savior. That she is resting in the Father’s arms. I received this assurance that day.
I choose to believe there is a God that sits high and looks low and is one who is ever-present for His people. Healing is a journey, and I am still on my journey. In fact, I’m starting a new journey of healing as I lost my mother a year ago. But God is so faithful and despite it all has kept me and given me peace at my greatest times of need.
I’m thankful that He has given me the gift of song to share my passion and pain. Singing holds me captive in God’s presence. It’s the one thing that is so dear to me, because it takes me away from every care, every heartache, and gives me the greatest joy.
Within the last two years God has rekindled my passion for music, and I’m lifting my voice louder than ever in this season. I sing to encourage myself and others that there is beauty that can come from brokenness.
My prayer is that my worship and the songs that Christ has put within me, will bless others who are hurting, and give them peace and allow Gods presence to surround them while they listen. May this scripture encourage someone today:
Zephaniah 3:17, “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”
More about Tasha:
Tasha Brown is married to Kenneth, a true gift from God. Together they are raising their awesome niece and one fur-baby. Tasha and Kenneth serve on their church worship team. Kenneth, a remarkable musician, produces all of the music they create together and plays the piano. They have started a music ministry page called Brown Worship where they will be sharing original music soon. These two love worship!
Follow Our Journey!
Tasha Brown Personal Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tasha.williams.980
Facebook Brown Worship Music Page: https://www.facebook.com/TashaWorships/notifications/
Youtube Pages/Brown Worship: https://youtu.be/5kvXrZADm6g
Youtube Page/Tasha Brown Worships: https://youtu.be/hYGQmX3qFfY
Ministry Opportunities: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you so much for stopping by. I would love for you to share what’s on your heart in the comments below. Scroll a little farther down and you’ll see where you can leave your comments. Together, we can find the nearness of God in our darkest moments.
Sweet blessings to you,
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